I Ruin Things

Yesterday, I decided that I will most likely not be doing yoga in the future. While I had always known that this practice had come from another religion I had never really thought deeper into the implications of this fact. Something from within my 40 minute yoga session at home made me question this. So off to google I went. I asked google, “How do Hindu believers feel about western yoga practice?” and so began a regular ritual for me.

A question occurs to me or is asked in a form of media I’m enjoying. Then I ponder for a moment. Then I get more information. The depth of the question and its impact on other aspects of my life determines how far I dig into the research. Generally I click all of the links on the first page of the google results. It’s easier to find consensus this way. After gathering more information I dive down to the root of the problem which involves more thinking and researching, which sometimes leads to more thinking and researching. Research includes: google searches, library trips to pick up books, asking everyone I encounter their feelings about the topic and in some rare cases years of addressing the question deeper through all of these methods.

I have to get to the root and foundation of problems. Something in me has to get to the smallest part. I can’t help myself. This however means I ruin things.

Not necessarily for me, but most certainly for those who are close to me or who encounter me. Through the years I have tried to prevent this, realizing that not everyone wants to look at the foundation of things. Not everyone feels a need to know that they’re sun salutation is intended to greet Surya, the Hindu Sun God. And most people don’t want to address the implications of this or any other bit of information I may find.

I remember sharing with a mentor of mine during college that the Starbucks logo made me think of human trafficking. During my time at college, I had learned about the many kinds of human trafficking, including forced labor. Then later while eating at an amazing place, Fair Trade Café, in downtown Phoenix I learned about fair trade coffee. From then on, I associated things not fair trade with forced labor. This is arguable, but at the very least, things imported and not made fair trade are exploitative at best. Since Starbucks at the time wasn’t (and still isn’t 10 years later) 100% fair trade, the correlation made sense to me. See the pretty lady think of starving farmers in South America. My mentor didn’t really know how to respond. She was proud of me for caring about this issue within social justice, but also felt my correlation was a bit extreme.

My most recent stint of research, yoga practice, led to a heated debate about cultural appropriation that greatly upset a dear friend. Which is in part what inspired this need to look at my practice of intentional living and obsession with the foundation of things through this post.

It is never my intention to upset people with my observations and knowledge. Even if I say, “you don’t have to do this,” they still assume I’m judging them. Something about my conviction in what to do upsets and even intimidates others. I have to wonder if this is because ignorance is more comfortable. If you don’t know something you aren’t obligated to do anything about it, but the instant you know you have a choice. You can choose, knowing the implications of your action, to continue to take that action or you can choose change. Without intending to, I force people to face this.

While I understand the pain and tension caused by knowledge, I’m not certain that avoidance is the answer. As a person who uses avoidance most often as a coping strategy, I know that in the long term avoidance doesn’t work. Avoidance creates a void, a weird space with faux comfort. It’s not true comfort because it only exists without the thing you’re avoiding. In this way it’s kind of a lie.

This is the problem for me. I practice extreme transparency. As my husband says, nothing can be closed in our life. Not our doors or our windows. I don’t even like fences, literal or figurative. So to live a lie just doesn’t work.

All of these things about me combine to make me a ruiner of ignorance. After writing this post I better understand why this is the case and how it impacts others, but I don’t necessarily feel better. I don’t want to be a ruiner, but I suppose due to characteristics within the foundation that guides me this can’t be helped. I could change, but I kind of like the individual characteristics. I kind of like me.

Well if you happen to know me or seek to know me, I guess you’ve been warned.