For about the past six months or so I have been deeply questioning my faith. Entering into a new phase in my journey with God. This shift has caused my world view and overall life perspective to shift. I found myself becoming more pessimistic. Then asking questions about the nature of pessimism and optimism.
Lately there has been a picture in my head. The picture of my optimism. She looks a bit like Cindy Lou Who from The Grinch Stole Christmas. In my mind, she is surrounded by a protective circle of clear bright light. All around her though is darkness threatening to snuff out her life and light. This fragile image is what represents my optimism. It is something to be protected. Something to hold on to.
On a daily basis, there are at least 10 things I come across that could send me into the darkness never to be seen again.
I feel things. I don’t understand how anyone who has heard the wails of mothers gently holding the bodies of their dead children in Syria doesn’t end up in the fetal position on the floor. It is only the little who in my mind that helps me to try to see hope. To give the benefit of the doubt to people. People who themselves don’t hesitate to be their worst selves in front of me. To share freely with me the darkness and ugly within them.
In addition to this, I am not one who looks away or tries to hide from the darkness. I am the dumb brave individual standing and staring into the darkness. As tentacles reach out from the dark I say “Hi” and try to make friends with this odd creature. Where others run, I stand and question. I try to understand even to the detriment of my self. I guess you could say that I lack a sense of self preservation. The running joke I have with my husband is that he has to have enough self-preservation for the both of us.
Today as I did yoga and thought about the affirmation for today “I awaken,” I finished the sentence in an interested way. “I awaken my optimistic who.” In my mind, I think she lives in my hips. An odd visual I know, but that is where she exists. She protects my womb and supports my center and breath, my power. She helps me to feel sexy and dance and move through this world.
With this simple observation I realized that my optimism wasn’t dead or being covered by the darkness. She was just sleeping and I had to awaken her. I had to consciously seek her out. And when I did that her light would shine so bright that darkness could never overwhelm her.
If this was the case for me maybe that is the case of others. Maybe their optimism looks more like a bear and is located in their head and so when it sleeps it rests for such a long time you would think it was in a permanent coma and was never going to wake up. Maybe these people consider pulling the plug on their optimistic bear. What would it take to convince them to not take this action?
My husband often says that we are just in a swing toward apocalyptic themes in our thinking and culture today and eventually we will swing back toward utopia. That utopia will come again to fill our minds, hearts and dreams. I’m not very patient.
The thought of having to wait sucks. Don’t get me wrong I love all of the apocalyptic stuff. Maybe a little too much. I love the movies and the comics. But. There is a but for me. I want the light.
My longing for optimism is like the longing people who experience winter feel. You spend months bundled up. Then the sun comes back. When you get to feel the sun on your skin you have to smile because it feels good. You know that soon the birds will come back and the flowers will bloom and there will be spring and there will be summer. There is hope.
I want hope. I want light. For this world and those who are surrounded by darkness. For them I want light.
So if you happened across my blog and took time to read this post, thank you and I have a challenge for you. Take some time today and think about your optimism. Where does it live? When was the last time you tried to awaken it or feed it? Give your optimism some time today. Maybe then we can begin to change the tide of our culture and return to a time utopia and light. Here’s hoping.